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lord_cellytronLara Croft made a detailed recording of all the expeditions she had recently been on and all the artifacts she found. As she neared the end of the recording, she found herself feeling surprisingly vulnerable and weak, and she was unable to immediately shake the feeling. She curled her legs up to her chest and heard her voice choking up. She knew she wasn't going to be able to go into much detail concerning Nirotsuku, and she momentarily considered skipping that all together. After all, she could almost guarantee that no one would miss it, only three other people were aware of it at all, Lyndsay, Madelyn and... him, of course. Sonofabitch.
Okay, that was pointless. I doubt anyone else will ever read this since no one cares, so I'm not going to mince words. This is an account of Cel-Chan's days, beginning Monday July 23, 2001, the day I finished my PR 3rd anniversary poster, the day I listened to episodes 14, 15 and 18 and discovered.. well, something.. okay. No, I haven't taken my Paxil for a few days.. I guess I don't have any reason not to take it, I just.. don't. It's pretty dumb.. but there are other issues to discuss here!
*Falls into fantasy world in which I am booting TAO down a flight of stairs.*
Actually.. there aren't other issues to discuss. Anything I do discuss would just get me in a bad mood. It really sucks. When I do take my Paxil, it masks this problem of mine that makes everything seem dreadful, and then when I don't, I end up loathing the happy-happy self I become with them.
Janetta-"Wouldn't it just be so much easier if you took them all the time?"
I have decided Netta sounds quite a bit like the American Luna, btw. Nice old lady Brit accent. She's at least sane, right? Sane and not jumpy and weird like.. MOM.. would it be any different if I did take them everyday? Would her stupid rage over not having her pills make any difference to me if I took Paxil everyday? And do I even need anti-depressants? How would a psychiatrist even determine depression anyway? Someone could just be doing it for attention.. like I do with the knife.
Now that's painful. I just felt something instead of numbness. I feel like crying. I'm not doing it for attention! I fucking cut myself.. at least, I did. And I could again. Next time Dad's not around and we have a fight, because it will happen again, I might do it again. I might slash myself. Did it make me feel any better? God, I don't want to end up like Mom. 51 years old and she goes into this furious rage if she doesn't have her motherfucking pain pills. Why doesn't she understand how annoying it is? I just want to scream at her to stop it, but she'll tell me to leave. And maybe I should be more understanding! Maybe I should be like Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia were when Rose was trying to get off her drugs. But then, Rose didn't do anything to them when they were kids, Rose didn't scare the shit out of them and yell at them for no reason. Dammit. Mom always tells me I need to stop pretending to have power over her. Well how am I supposed to, when she's so damn unstable?? I need stability! This is no damn moodiness. I should not have to wonder when I wake up how she's going to act, what she's going to want, if she's even going to be able to fucking stand up! And Mom says at least she doesn't beat me, and always compares my childhood to hers, growing up with Grandma. Well, maybe Grandma was worse. But you know what? That was 30 years ago. No, more, actually. And Mom could leave. Grandma didn't depend on her and then yell at her when she had the gall to question if taking all those damn drugs is right. And she's not even taking that many drugs, but.. I hate it! I hate it when she doesn't have them, I hate it when she does have them. I just want this to stop. I know how awful this sounds but I just wish she would go to sleep and leave me alone. Not die, God, not die, please, but... why won't this stop? It has gotten worse. I know it sounds stupid as hell but if I had remained a good student, would she have done this? Sonofabitch, is it because of stress that this keeps on happening? Why? Why can't I be a better daughter?
No. That's not the question. This is not my fault. I want to scream at her so loud. I want to make her feel like I feel. The only reason I'm so mad about this tonight is because I had to stay offline for hours while she waited for the damn doctor to call in that stupid prescription, then when we went to the pharmacy he hadn't called it in, and we came home and she's yelling at me because I didn't happen to care about my phone losing a bunch of minutes. I've got slightly more to worry about than that, really! Hello!!! Okay, you know what I wish? Really? I wish that.. she could have her damn drugs all the time and go get a freaking job. Be GONE some of the time, there would be a lot less stress on everyone. Well, except Dad. Times were so much better when she had a job. And I wasn't depressed. But duh.
Well, that's my venting for tonight, I'm mad as hell and all that, but I'll be okay. If I can get these damn bowels to quit giving me the runs!! Not that anyone needed to know that but.. ya know.
Okay, that was pointless. I doubt anyone else will ever read this since no one cares, so I'm not going to mince words. This is an account of Cel-Chan's days, beginning Monday July 23, 2001, the day I finished my PR 3rd anniversary poster, the day I listened to episodes 14, 15 and 18 and discovered.. well, something.. okay. No, I haven't taken my Paxil for a few days.. I guess I don't have any reason not to take it, I just.. don't. It's pretty dumb.. but there are other issues to discuss here!
*Falls into fantasy world in which I am booting TAO down a flight of stairs.*
Actually.. there aren't other issues to discuss. Anything I do discuss would just get me in a bad mood. It really sucks. When I do take my Paxil, it masks this problem of mine that makes everything seem dreadful, and then when I don't, I end up loathing the happy-happy self I become with them.
Janetta-"Wouldn't it just be so much easier if you took them all the time?"
I have decided Netta sounds quite a bit like the American Luna, btw. Nice old lady Brit accent. She's at least sane, right? Sane and not jumpy and weird like.. MOM.. would it be any different if I did take them everyday? Would her stupid rage over not having her pills make any difference to me if I took Paxil everyday? And do I even need anti-depressants? How would a psychiatrist even determine depression anyway? Someone could just be doing it for attention.. like I do with the knife.
Now that's painful. I just felt something instead of numbness. I feel like crying. I'm not doing it for attention! I fucking cut myself.. at least, I did. And I could again. Next time Dad's not around and we have a fight, because it will happen again, I might do it again. I might slash myself. Did it make me feel any better? God, I don't want to end up like Mom. 51 years old and she goes into this furious rage if she doesn't have her motherfucking pain pills. Why doesn't she understand how annoying it is? I just want to scream at her to stop it, but she'll tell me to leave. And maybe I should be more understanding! Maybe I should be like Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia were when Rose was trying to get off her drugs. But then, Rose didn't do anything to them when they were kids, Rose didn't scare the shit out of them and yell at them for no reason. Dammit. Mom always tells me I need to stop pretending to have power over her. Well how am I supposed to, when she's so damn unstable?? I need stability! This is no damn moodiness. I should not have to wonder when I wake up how she's going to act, what she's going to want, if she's even going to be able to fucking stand up! And Mom says at least she doesn't beat me, and always compares my childhood to hers, growing up with Grandma. Well, maybe Grandma was worse. But you know what? That was 30 years ago. No, more, actually. And Mom could leave. Grandma didn't depend on her and then yell at her when she had the gall to question if taking all those damn drugs is right. And she's not even taking that many drugs, but.. I hate it! I hate it when she doesn't have them, I hate it when she does have them. I just want this to stop. I know how awful this sounds but I just wish she would go to sleep and leave me alone. Not die, God, not die, please, but... why won't this stop? It has gotten worse. I know it sounds stupid as hell but if I had remained a good student, would she have done this? Sonofabitch, is it because of stress that this keeps on happening? Why? Why can't I be a better daughter?
No. That's not the question. This is not my fault. I want to scream at her so loud. I want to make her feel like I feel. The only reason I'm so mad about this tonight is because I had to stay offline for hours while she waited for the damn doctor to call in that stupid prescription, then when we went to the pharmacy he hadn't called it in, and we came home and she's yelling at me because I didn't happen to care about my phone losing a bunch of minutes. I've got slightly more to worry about than that, really! Hello!!! Okay, you know what I wish? Really? I wish that.. she could have her damn drugs all the time and go get a freaking job. Be GONE some of the time, there would be a lot less stress on everyone. Well, except Dad. Times were so much better when she had a job. And I wasn't depressed. But duh.
Well, that's my venting for tonight, I'm mad as hell and all that, but I'll be okay. If I can get these damn bowels to quit giving me the runs!! Not that anyone needed to know that but.. ya know.
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